Willing Suspension of Disbelief

I Own the Vnboards!

2005-12-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

For the benefit of those confused about the 'Cloudsong' cliche, here's where it originated from:

Stole My Fucking Cloudsong!

They're speaking of a cloak that is found in a game, Dark Age of Camelot, that C8 and I play(ed) frequently.

I'm a Cold-Hearted Son of a Bitch

2005-12-13T14:10:00.000-08:00

Here's the conversation to prove it:

Officer: Hey umm, this is Deputy Barnes with the Harris County Sheriff's department. I have a Jennifer Frank with me who I'm taking to jail. She just had a baby and was wonderin' if she could take care of this ticket without going to jail.

*Dallas looks up Jennifer Frank's file*

Dallas: Sir, Jennifer Frank has one warrant for a ticket that has a 400 dollar fine. In order for her not to go to jail, she would need to pay half of the total amount. We'd then let her set up a payment plan for the rest of the amount. Can she get 200 dollars?

Officer: Let me see. She says she can't get 200 dollars

Dallas: Well, not only does she not collect 200 dollars then, but she also goes directly to jail.

Officer: Thank you sir, have a nice day.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2005-12-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

The boys from Angora (You might remember them from the other video I posted here) are back wishing everyone a Merry Christmas:

Jul i Angora

Simon: Now it is Christmas - It's time for glögg and duck. The snow falls in Angora's land.
Henrik: I shall go home and polish my piano. My talent is something that impresses.
Simon: Kåre, you have drank Christmas beer in a way that's most extreme. Kåre... Kåre?
Kåre: Namely ja, ja namely ja, ja namely ja, it's not a problem

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Henning: So we shall bugger off home to mom (or mother)
Everyone: Ja, We shall do that, but also home to dad.

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Baune: So we shall go out and score
Everyone: No, we shall not. We will dance around a tree.

Russians: ... ??????? Vlad i ???
Baune (Incoherently): What the hell did you say, you fat Russian swine?
Bugge & Ronald: Simon is a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb one. What, pretty face?
Simon: Control youselves - Pothair and matchstick legs
Ronald: He called you matchstick legs!

Jan: I have sung the song and made the food with human shit.
Dan: I have, umm.. hold up.. umm.. no no no

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Jan: We shall have food with shit and leeks
Everyone: No we won't. We shall have Christmas duck.

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Pim: Oi, my mother is a slutty whore.
Everyone: We know that - it's not our problem.
Pim: No, it's no problem

Farmer's son: Good day, father!
Farmer: Good day Ryan, good day Flemming, oh, have you all come to help me decorate the Christmas tree?
Farmer's son: Naw, we just came with a nice Christmas gift for you - Merry Christmas Dad - Merry Christmas, you old idiot.

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Bobby: My glasses are too big
Everyone: but it is Christmas time, so wish for a new pair.

Everyone: Now it's Christmas in Angora
Kåre: Oh, so we will have a bit of Christmas ale then.
Baune: Yihaa! Cheers from the outhouse
Everyone: Yeah, we shall chug beer - and wish for a Merry Christmas

Pim: Merry Christmas!
Everyone: Ja, we shall chug beer - and wish for a Merry Christmas

Simon: Greetings, God
Everyone: Ja, we shall chug beer - and wish for a Merry Christmas

Tales From the Proletariat: Where'd it go?

2005-12-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

This isn't the first time I've seen this. Before me sits a ticket issued to a "Mrs. Madison" According to her drivers license, Mrs. Madison is 5'2" in height and weighs 500 pounds. A question comes immediately to mind for even the most casual observer: What could a 500 pound woman do that would be breaking the law?

The ticket presents us with this answer:

"Rode without wearing seatbelt"

Paris Hilton

2005-12-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

Here's a pretty good illustration of just how one-dimensional this woman actually is.

A Preview

2005-11-29T05:26:00.000-08:00

Here's a paragraph from my paper that I'm particularly proud of:

For Trotsky, socialism was the end, rather than a means for serving humanity. The end goal of Marxism was to have a society that “administer[ed] things without governing people”(1). A problem arose in trying to create such a society: humanity. A labor force (This is where the ‘things that are administered’ come from) can be managed by three different instruments: material incentives, moral motivations, and physical coercion. (1) The first instrument is hardly compatible with Marxist doctrine, and the second is completely unreliable. In his infamous attack on Kautsky, Trotsky solves this problem:

The principle itself of compulsory labour service has just as radically and permanently replaced the principle of free hiring as the socialization of the means of production has replaced capitalist property…. For we have no way to socialism except by the authoritative regulation of the economic forces and resources of the country. [emphasis added]

So for Trotsky, dehumanizing concentration camps are o.k. as long as they serve the cause of socialism.

Central Tendency: Things To Come

2005-11-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

How are "Frankenstein", Mary Shelley, Karl Marx, Leon "I would have been just as bad as Stalin" Trotsky, The Bolshevik Revolution, The French Revolution, George Orwell, and Thomas "Slavery is good for Niggers" Carlyle connected?

Find out in my upcoming post/research paper, "The Means Are The Ends, Damn It!"

Tales From the Proletariat: Driver Gets Crash Course in Newton's First Law. Then He Gets Ticketed

2005-11-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

I've just processed a citation for someone who was involved in a "major accident".

His offense?

Failure To Obey Rail-Road Signal

Global Warming, Deforestation: Osama Cares

2005-11-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

From The Sydney Morning Herald:

Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals, bar women from appearing in the press and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty.

I'd like to thank Osama for, once again, planning my day. Today, I shall laugh at the Quran, read a book on the constitution, deposit my paycheck in the bank, sign a petition supporting gay marriage, leer at women in tight, revealing clothing, and fill up my SUV.

Dear Mom and Dad,

2005-11-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks for not being crappy, evil parents.

Like this guy's.

Via Andrew Sullivan.

Woogle It!

2005-11-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a nifty little site that will amuse you for about 5 minutes (for hours if you are at work).

My very own Woogle

Hmmm...

2005-11-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

From the Christian Science Monitor, Danish editor tests right to violate Muslim taboos:

The party's provocative slogan "Dit Land, Dit Valg" (One land, one people) for many people conjures up unwelcome reminders of Denmark's ambiguous role in the Nazi occupation.

I confess ignorance to Danish political affairs, so I can't honestly assess the value of this article. But "Dit Land, Dit Valg" means "Your Land, Your Choice", not "One Land, One People".

Don't let this bit of information color your opinion on what is otherwise, I'm sure, a fine piece of journalism.

Chatty-Cathy Doll: A Redux

2005-11-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Scene at the office. Two co-workers and a Chatty-Cathy Doll labor busily through the day’s chores. One co-worker turns to the other in search of help on a problem.

Jean (Co-worker): ‘Hey Dallas, you’re good with words; tell me if you think this would be a good quote to put on my wedding invitations.’

She hands Dallas the quote. It is a verse from King James Bible: ‘For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. (Ephesians 5:31)’

Dallas: ‘Ah yes, that would be a great quote to put on your invitations. Beautiful prose.’

Jean: ‘Yeah, I thought so too. It’s just that I’m so sure about the word flesh.’

Dallas: ‘What do you mean?’

Jean: ‘Well, when I think of flesh, I think of meat. I don’t want to convey that sort of image. ‘think I’ll get rid of it.’

Dallas: ‘The word ‘flesh’ is a bit archaic in this context, but if you remove it the rhythm of the prose will be unsynchronized. Plus it won’t exactly be a quote then, either’

The Doll becomes restless, feeling that she has something to add. She takes advantage of the pause and edges herself into the conversation.

Doll: ‘You’re not suppose to alter God’s word’

This instantly agitates Dallas, who becomes pugnacious.

Dallas: ‘It’s been altered an unknown amount of times, Doll. The removal of ‘flesh’ won’t alter the context a bit’

Doll: ‘Well, in the bible it says that we are not supposed to change it. He put ‘flesh’ there for a reason’

Dallas: ‘The version you read that from is an altered version. The original bible was in Greek. The fact is the word flesh is no longer used in the way that it once was; it’s meaning has differed since the time of King James. To give you another example, you don’t think Joseph managed the corn supply, corn is a new world food you see, for the Egyptian kings, do you?’

Doll: ‘I do’

***

Scene by the water-cooler. Two co-workers, one of which is black, and a Chatty-Cathy Doll are having a conversation about the origin of names. The Doll has a thought.

Doll: ‘Hawkins, that’s an interesting last name. Where do you think it comes from?’

The Doll looks at Dallas expectingly.

Dallas: ‘It’s an English name.’

Doll: ‘Oh, an English name! You could be from royalty then.’

Hawkins and Dallas simultaneously: 'Jesus, Doll'

Hawkins and Dallas walk away laughing.

Nordic Hits: Nordic Love

2005-11-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

This music video is all the rage in Scandinavia right now.

Translation:

Swede: In a little boat, we sit and kiss
Dane: In the middle of Øresund sit two in-love gays
Swede: A lovespot on Öresund
Dane: Kiss me with your full-bearded mouth
Swede: Of course, my Danish friend

Swede: For we fuck out on the sound -- It's our secret tradition
Dane: We pet a little, and caress softly
Swede: and taste a little on the sausage with each other -- Taste on my sausage

Dane: Wait? What is it now? There is a boat that comes nearer
Swede: See the Norwegian flag - There is a single man in the boat
Norwegian: Hello! My name is Kjell, may I join you tonight?
Swede: Ya, Ya, Naturally

Swede: For we fuck out on the sound
Norwegian: It's good to be three - the boat turns a little
Dane: And we screw gently
Swede: and you'd better believe that we get it in the canal
All: In the canal

Swede: Ya we fuck out on the sound
Norwegian: Do I get to bop on your worm?
Swede: Ya, taste my branch - so it becomes clean
Dane: And hold me, and say I am your huggie bear
All: Our huggie bear

All: Yeah we fuck out on the sound
Norwegian: We have a big gay trio/threesome
Dane: You are so beautiful
Swede: Do I get to see your cock?
Norwegian: You'd better believe it, I don't have any pants on
All: Not any pants on

All: Now we've fucked out on the sound
Dane: And played the butt gymnastics
Norwegian: Good-bye again
Swede: Adieu my friend
All: And next Saturday we fuck out on Öresund
All: Once again. Once again

Search For the Not-So-Elusive Moonbat: Diana Johnstone

2005-11-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

Diana Johnstone, Milosevic apologist and denier of Serbian genocide, has published a new piece in Counterpunch, a far-left guano-depository. She attempts to explicate the political and economic causes of the rioting in France. She fails on almost every point.

“The rioting youths seem to be predominantly, but not exclusively, of African or North African origin. They are certainly not all Muslims, and there is no indication that most of them are particularly attached to any religion. Muslim religious authorities condemn the riots, and one has gone so far as to issue a fatwa against the violence, but this seems to serve more to distance the Muslim authorities from the rioters than to influence them.”

While it’s true that the riots appear to be mainly a response to economic grievances, to deny that they have taken on an Islamic tint is to be indifferent to reality. This site, while I don’t support its conclusion nor the opinion pieces it presents, has a comprehensive list of evidence that shows that the rioters are generally "attached to a particular religion."

“Sarkozy, by his choice of trips abroad, has underlined his desire for closest possible relations with the United States and Israel. This provides a second reason for him to be hated by youth in the banlieue, where identification with the Palestinians is widespread and daily images of violence in the Middle East and the war in Iraq have a considerable impact. Perhaps one can guess that had Chirac not refused to follow the United States into Iraq, the banlieue would have exploded earlier and more violently than today. The feeling of exclusion among youth of Arab origin is enormously exacerbated by the spectacle of Western aggression against the Arab world.”

Huh? So, the rioters are revolting against an individual who has done nothing to change a government that has aggressively opposed any Western intervention in the Middle East, which is naturally the source of their angst. Do I need to point out how little sense this makes?

“But then what? Soviet bloc communism collapsed because it failed to meet the demands for more freedom of the most privileged sectors of the population.”

Where does one even begin with such mental laziness? The insinuation here is that communism might have worked if it weren’t for those meddling selfish bourgeoisie dissidents. This Scooby-Doo explanation is as a-historical as it is sinister. The reasons for communism’s implosion are too numerous and too complex to enumerate here in entirety, but they can be marked into three main categories. Firstly, many brave dissidents weakened the totalitarian-nightmare state from within; among the more famous dissidents are Vaclav Havel, who organized solidarity movements that weakened soviet control of outlying regions, and Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who made the world (including citizens of the U.S.S.R. itself) aware of Soviet horrors. Secondly, communism didn’t just fail to meet the demands of the most privileged but of everyone it governed. In the 1970’s and 1980’s, Soviet economic growth stagnated, immiserating millions. Thirdly, communism could not keep up technologically with the West. This, as confirmed by the memoirs of Soviet generals, convinced hardliners that the struggle was futile.

Johnstone thinks that unemployment is mainly to blame for the riots. This is probably true, but her explanation for the high employment rate and her solution to the problem defy reason:

“The only answer is to call a halt to the privatization process and return to the mixed economy that was the basis for the European social model, currently being destroyed by so-called "reforms". France is selling off its utilities, from Electricité de France to the autoroute network. Such measures are likely to deepen the social disaster. Advanced industrial economies require governments capable of taking measures to provide a minimum of socio-economic equality, in response to democratic demand, and this is possible only if they possess the necessary economic resources to subsidize indispensible social programs and to stimulate job creation, including the growth of small private enterprise. One can only hope that the current crisis in France, which so far lacks a coherent political dimension, will hasten the political revolt against the neoliberal economic dogma which is plunging the whole world into chaos.”

Once again, Johnstone lays the blame for the riots on events occurring around the world that have nothing to do with France. Neo-liberalism is an economic school of thought that is both pro-globalization and pro-free markets, two ideologies to which the French react with violent opposition. The idea that the privatization of some French utilities represents a trend towards neo-liberalism is risible; 53% of France’s GDP is made up of government spending. But while bureaucracies are prone to inefficiency, they are not the main source of France’s economic woes. Astringent labor laws and protectionism have choked the French economy, leaving no room from growth. Neo-liberalism, contrary to Johnstone's claim otherwise, has been source of growth and a powerful weapon in the fight against poverty. It should be noted that countries that embrace neo-liberalism, which include the U.S., Great Britain, and Japan, are thriving, while countries that do not, most notably France and Germany, face economic crisis.

Communalism combined with unemployment is a volatile mixture. I support France in this struggle and wish for an end to the violence. When the riots have ended, there will be much debate on what to do about the unrest. France should do well to ignore Ms. Johnstone's advice.

Central Tendency: On Proposition....Ah fuck it, here's a free mp3

2005-11-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

I was going to list my reasons for voting against the meanspirited, populist piece of legislative shit known to us Texans as "Proposition 2", but I've decided to post a link to a free mp3 instead. It's just so much more cheerful and easier to do than explaining why I think such a fundamental (Oops, wrong word) part of life shouldn't be left up to me or any other voter to deny.

Be sure to check out the nifty arpeggio run at 1:45. The mp3 isn't the whole song, unfortunately, but if you would like for me to 'describe' the missing bits, email me.

Update:

Proposition 2, A.K.A. the amendment that will forever prevent those fags from marrying in these parts, has been passed.

Tales From the Proletariat: Ouchies

2005-11-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've just processed a citation for someone who was involved in a "major accident".

His offense?

Failure to Yield Right-of-Way: Pedestrian

Central Tendency

2005-11-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

From AndrewSullivan.com:

When a former Iranian president calls the current one a "fascist" in the press, we have a small sliver of progress.

Well, that's one way of looking at it...

Tales From the Proletariat: The Stringless Chatty Cathy Doll One Cubicle Over

2005-11-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

Every office has employed this creature in one form or another. It's the co-worker who hasn't clue what he or she is saying, but decides to say it anyway. It's the person who can instantly make a joke not funny merely by laughing. It's the Stringless Chatty Cathy Doll one cubicle over.

These beings are not malicious but axiomatically irritating. Normal protocol in dealing with them is to simply ignore them, but this can become difficult when they try to involve you in their conversations. I, being just one cubicle away from the Doll, am often presented with such difficulties.

Instead of ignoring this parrot, which is practically impossible to do, I have decided to chronicle it. Its thoughts are unprocessed, and they offer an unfiltered glimpse into the human psyche. Most of these thoughts are obviously not the Doll's own. Presumably, they crept into its mind and found its vacancy comfortable; the thoughts certainly aren't being crowded. Still, for one reason or another, the Doll has chosen to not only remember them, but to repeat them. Aloud.

Here are just a few examples:

To a caller: "Are you on a cellphone? Are you driving? Sir you need to get off the road right now. You are going to get into an accident. Are you on the side of the road now? Did you have an accident? Good"

***

Somehow, a conversation turned theological: "I don't understand how people can believe in Allah or in Hindu. That ain't gonna save ya."

***

Doll:"Dallas, I went digging for some rocks this weekend"
Me: "Oh?"
Doll:"Yeah, the geologist said they were a couple million years old. But I don't believe in that"

It later added gratuitously that it didn't believe in evolution, either.

***

Sometimes the doll, feeling that its life's purpose is not being fulfilled, will speak to inanimate objects:

Doll: You stay right there.
Me: Excuse me?
Doll: Oh, I was just talking to my tickets

These dolls are not a new phenomena. They have been written about and accounted for throughout history. In "1984", Orwell wrote of a particularly brainless doll:

She had not a thought in her head that was not a slogan, and there was no imbecility, absolutely none that she was not capable of swallowing if the Party handed it out to her. ‘The human sound-track’ he nicknamed her in his own mind.

I can't help but wonder whether Orwell knew a Stringless Chatty Cathy Doll much like mine.

Tales From the Proletariat: Insult to Injury

2005-11-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

I've just processed a citation for someone who was involved in a "major accident".

His offense?

No Seat Belt - Driver

Tales From the Proletariat: My Job (Part I)

2005-10-31T13:53:00.000-08:00

The great thing about working is that it brings you into contact with people who you’d otherwise never meet, and my job is certainly no exception. Between my co-workers, the clients, and the various agencies that we encounter, one could come up with a variety of personalities that can only be matched in diversity by an international airport. I am a clerk of the court.

My job is simple and repetitive; I answer inquiries from callers, process citations, and help with basic operations when we have court. Simplicity and redundancy often craft, aside from boredom, proficiency, and I’m an expert at my job. I’ve encountered every possible scenario, and I’ve heard almost every excuse that is to be heard. The excuses that I haven’t heard are beyond credulity, so in short: you’re not going to be able to be able to pull a fast one on me. This doesn’t stop people from trying, though.

Here are a few calls that I've received just today that illustrate this annoying tendency:

Caller: I just don’t know what to do. This is the first time that this has happened to me. I’ve never gotten a ticket before in my life.

Sure as fuck could’ve fooled me. Here’s what the computer screen in front of me said at the time. The names have been changed to protect the guilty as Hell:

Linda Marie Applebee (pseudonym for caller):

OFFENSE: SPEEDING
OFFENSE: NO DRIVERS LICENCE
OFFENSE: FAIL TO CONTROL SPEED
OFFENSE: FAILURE TO MAINTAIN FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
OFFENSE: VIOLATE PROMISE TO APPEAR
OFFENSE: VIOLATE PROMISE TO APPEAR
OFFENSE: VIOLATE PROMISE TO APPEAR

****************

Caller: Yes I need to change my court date.

Me: I’m sorry to tell you this (This was a lie, I admit), mam, but your ticket has turned into a warrant.

Caller: WHAT?! I called up there ten times in the past 2 weeks and the clerks told me to keep calling back asking for a reset and now it’s a warrant? This is BULLSHIT.

Dealing with an angry caller is akin to handling dynamite, but sometimes they can both be defused by an effort that is as easy as extinguishing a wick with one’s fingers. Every clerk in this office receives at least 10 calls a day requesting court date resets. There is a simple standard protocol for handling such calls, and it doesn’t include telling the caller to call back later and ask for a reset, unless the ticket is not yet on file. I had this caller’s file pulled up on my computer, and the ticket had been on record for about two months. Knowing this, I was able to reply and defuse her outrage:

Me: No they didn’t.

Moral of the story:

Don't lie to someone who knows your situation better than you do. It's hard to bluff when they can see your cards.

Our Anglo-Saxon-Jyske-Nordic-Greek-Celtic-Latin-French Language: Romeo, where the hell are you?

2005-10-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

If you've seen a stage production of Shakespeare's paradigmatic "Romeo and Juliet", a few things might have struck you, the modern viewer, as being quite odd.

Take for instance the much-publicized scene in the Capulets' orchard, wherein Romeo is ~~stalking~~ listening to Juliet speak those lines that every English-speaking person knows (but not really):

"O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

Upon hearing those lines, you, the modern viewer, might wonder to yourself "Why the hell hasn't that pussy spoken up yet?" and "It's obvious that he wants to get inside her prepubescent pants, and she wants him to".

But is Juliet really saying "Where are you, Romeo?" In the next few lines she eloquently blathers on about him being a Montague, wishing he was not, and all sorts of other well-stated teenage drivel. "Where are you, Romeo" doesn't fit into the context of the rest of the scene.

The reason for this is simple: Shakespeare didn’t write “Where are you, Romeo?” He wrote “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”. The adverb “wherefore” has since dropped out of the English language, but it still exists in a few of English’s sister languages. In Danish, for instance, it exists in the form of “hvorfor” (hvor = where + for = for), which means ‘why’. Knowing this, we can turn our attention back onto the original line and come up with this modern sentence: “Romeo, Romeo! Why are you Romeo?” Reread the scene with this translation in mind. If you had any confusion about it at all, then it should begin to clear up.

2005-10-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Introduction

After much pleading from my brother, laziness gave way to irritation, and I’ve finally embarked on a project that nobody in their right mind will give two shits about. I have nothing to say that is of interest, unless you’re fascinated by the etymology of the English language, and I don’t have tits like my comrade over here. So basically, this is a complete fucking waste of time for both of us - you, dear figment of my imagination, and me.

I’ve always found it interesting that a person who talks to himself is presumed to be insane and probably rightly so. Yet, blogging is an activity in which millions participate, and it is generally accepted by society as a sane endeavor. It’s conundrums like this that give me reason to sympathize with Orwell when he wonders “whether this earth of ours is not a loony-bin made use of by some other planet.”

Nevertheless, if you thought this site might not be insane, then you shouldn’t have made it past the title.

Here’s what you can look forward to, dear figment:

Tales From the Proletariat: a running series on stories from the workplace

Our Anglo-Saxon-Jyske-Nordic-Greek-Celtic-Latin-French Language: musings and speculations on our bastard of a language

Central Tendency: commentary on economics and politics

And last but not least…

Search For The Not-So-Elusive Moonbat: I read, analyze, and debunk the wildest claims in the political sphere so you don’t have to.